No Small Wonder
by The Brass Clock
Summary: Shepard and Joker work out the more intimate details of their budding relationship.  In the only way a foulmouth and recluse can.  M for heavy language and sex talk.


**Title**: No Small Wonder  
**Rating: **Eh, R for my Shepard's sailor mouth, and awkward sex talk.  
**Characters:** Fem!Shepard, Joker  
**Summary:** Fran and Joker work out the more intimate details of their budding relationship. In the only way a foulmouth and recluse can.

**No excuse.**

**Francine Shepard is my foulmouthed, Renagon, ginger Shepard. Sentinel, Earthborn, Sole Survivor.**

**I feel like Joker's not so in character in here, I've never written him before so... Well we'll see.**

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Joker'd never been shirtless in the Captain's cabin before.

Then again, he'd never been in the Captain's cabin before.

He'd never had his head in the Commander's lap either.

Yeah, it was a day for firsts.

"So, how did this happen, exactly?" he mused, glancing up at the reclining Captain above him. His hat was on her head, and her hands were playing with his hair. It felt nice.

She shrugged a little. "Well you know, boy meets girl, girl actively persues saving the galaxy, boy sticks around for some reason. Sparks fly, angels sing, Hanar inexplicably start swearing, the whole shebang."

If it was anybody else who had his head in their lap, their fingers in his hair, he would have felt horribly awkward and uncomfortable. He'd have been out of the situation like a bat outta hell; but it wasn't just anybody. It was Shepard.

He snickered at her comments. If it was anybody other than Shepard, he would have never made it this far.

"Mm. Bet Miranda's all super-jealous."

"Yep. She'll never have me now. By the way, how are your ribs feeling?"

"Awful. I think you should kiss them better."

Shepard reached over from her position on the bed and ran a hand gently over the bruising. He'd broken two ribs in the crash landing on the Collector base, and fractured three others. He'd collapsed shortly after they'd made it back out of the Omega 4 Relay, and while Mordin and Chakwas had managed to set the bones and fix him up as best they could, he was still bruised and tender.

Joker shivered at the touch.

The night before they travelled through the Omega 4 Relay, Shepard had approached Joker in the cockpit. They'd talked seriously for the first time since Horizon, and it had ended in a kiss.

_"Well, that's certainly enough incentive to survive the next few hours." _he'd whispered against her cheek.

In between then and now, they hadn't had much in the way of time for themselves, so it was nice, en-route to the Citadel, to explore what it was exactly they had going on. Or what came next, now that they'd spent the last two hours bullshitting and making out.

Her hand travelled lightly down his chest, across the curly brown hairs that rested there, down the to the slight pudge that was his far-too-endearing-for-his-own-good belly, to the hair that led to places beyond. His hand appeared, seemingly from nowhere, and laced their fingers together, halting what would probably have been quite the lovely little detour into his pants.

"Aherm, ribs are up here, Madam, did you fail biology?"

She frowned. "You know... We're gonna have to try eventually."

He held up a finger. "That is entirely untrue, I can hire an Asari for you. If that's not your thing, I think Wrex was eyeing you the last time we hit up Tuchanka, and-"

Fran bent over and looked him right in the eyes, without any hesitation, she leaned down and covered his mouth with hers. When she finally pulled back, he was quiet, but grumpy-looking. Joker sat up, clearly sensing a discussion on the horizon.

"I'll break, Shep, you know that."

"You keep saying that, but I think we can figure it out."

"My bones couldn't handle the strain-"

"Are you calling me fat?"

"What? No- Fran!"

She grinned. "Joker, my flyboy, listen. I've known you for- what is it, three?- years now. You're stubborn as a mule, you complain more than Jack does when I make her put a shirt on, and you actively place requisition orders for windshield wipers when you know damn well the Normandy doesn't need them." Fran leaned back on the bed, her head hitting the pillow.

Joker cocked his head at her, looking irritated. "If this conversation goes down a 'I need you to put the damn seat down' path, I'm done."

Shepard laughed. "No, no. Listen to me, for ten seconds, God. Thing is... Out of all the people I know, all the people I've... cared about, you're the only one that I trust entirely, without question." she stuck her arms behind her head, leaning just enough to give him a look. "Even Kaidan I didn't trust as much as I trust you. And you deserve to know all of me, body and brain."

"Shit... Fran it's not that I don't want to- I do, trust me, like a lot- I've tried, before, you know. It doesn't end well."

"Tell me."

"I can't even begin to explain how much I don't want to go into that."

"Come ooooon."

"Hell no, I'll leave right now you keep pushing this."

"I'll take my top off."

Joker's face went thoughtful. He looked as if he'd eaten something foul, but was trying to get in the pants of whoever had cooked it for him; needless to say, conflicted.

"Come on, tell me what happened, and you get titties, no sexual relations needed." She sat up again, ducking her head to peer at him, blue eyes glinting with playful malice.

"Ugghh you are an awful person and you should feel bad. Fine. Last time... She was a real nice girl, good friend of mine. One thing lead to another... She said she didn't care, just wanted to give it a shot. Long and short of it is, she was a Biotic, I broke three bones and she never spoke to me again."

She tried for all of six seconds before she burst out laughing.

"Yeah yeah, ha ha ha, laugh it up."

"No- hahaha- no no, no. That's... Okay, that's really fucking funny. But... Oh come on, don't be such a big baby!"

He'd gotten up and was making his way towards the door, grabbing his shirt off the coffee table. "Man..."

Before he reached the door, Fran somehow vaulted herself across the room to pull him back gently towards her. "Wait, please. I'm... sorry, okay. I know that this is hard, and shit."

"I knew this was a bad idea, this whole thing."

"Come on, Joker- I'm sorry. Really. I just..." she tightened her grip on his shoulders.

"Ow."

"Please stay, just... let me try and apologise, okay. I know that I have the social graces of a retarded Krogan but... Jeff I really want this to work. You matter to me, damn it. And I want to prove it to you." She rubbed her forehead. "Ain't like I'm trying to be such an insensitive bitch, really. S'just how I am, and I know you know that."

He ducked his head, running a hand through his hair. "Shit, Shepard you know I'm not good at this."

"I know that, dammit! You think I didn't know this was gonna be rough? I fucked it up with Kaidan, and I'm fucking terrified that I'm gonna fuck it up with you, and I fucking love you, so can't we just be social rejects together, for crissakes?" She stuffed her hands under har arms, all that infamous Shepard Intimidation gone.

"... You what?"

"Yeah I said it, I fucking love you. Can we move on-"

"Really?" he was grinning now.

"I really think-"

"REALLY?" the shit-eating grin was getting wider.

"Fuc- FINE." she bit her lip, searching his face. "I love you. And if there's one thing I've learned, hesitating on this kind of thing... It just kicks you in the teeth in the end."

"You really mean that?"

"Yeah... I do."

Before she could gauge the look on his face, she was stumbling backwards towards her bed, his lips on hers.

They'd kissed before, but there was something beneath this one that made the previous ones melt into oblivion. His beard was scratchy on her face, and she hadn't seen him be so forceful in anything since he took retribution on the Collector ship. Carefully they made their way back to the bed, and her calf smacked into the coffee table. She swore, then started laughing. They finished the trip, and Fran fell backwards onto the bed, still snorting with laughter.

Joker joined her a second later, leaning over her and kissing down to her neck and the hollow of her throat.

She almost punched him in the gut.

She could practically _feel _that damn shit-eating grin of his as he scraped his beard along her neck and shoulder. She couldn't stop giggling and laughing and snorting, and it was absolutely ridiculous but she couldn't stop laughing and really, if she had to tell the truth, it felt wonderful to laugh and be held onto by a warm body that she knew wasn't going to leave her, even if she died. It felt wonderful to have those lips and prickly beard on her skin.

"Fu- Joker- stop that! Jeff! I'm going to- stop it! I'm gonna kick your ass! I hate you so much!"

He snickered against her neck. "No you don't, you love me."

She burst into a fresh peal of laughter. No small wonder if this man was going to be the downfall of her carefully cultivated 'tough guy' reputation.

"So... you still owe me boobs."

Well, she figured she could handle losing a few points to her Badass Scale.


End file.
